So my life has changed drastically in the past month. Not only am I a married woman now, but I went from working non-stop to a sudden lull.
I’ve always found a way to keep busy. Ever since I was in high school, I’ve always tried to find something to fill my time. I enjoy it for the most part. I like feeling useful and helpful and a part of something bigger than just myself. In high school I was in any sport I could play, while balancing writing for the year book and trying to be a part of every community service program that needed help. I would go home and dive into books and writing and then start all over again the next day.
In college, not much changed. Along with a full time schedule, I worked two part time jobs. I picked up extra hours wherever I could and even threw in some socializing. Towards the end of college I was balancing a social life, full time classes, a full time job and 2 internships.
After I earned my Bachelors degree, one of my greatest adventures started. West and I started dating and we both dived into our new lives as adults in Philadelphia. His internship at Comcast blossomed into a great job and I, although struggling, was keeping busy. Nothing materialized with my internships, which I like to blame on the job market (2008 graduation woes) But I continued to work at my part-time jobs and tried to fill my time with hobbies.
One hobby, reading on the elliptical, sprouted from my in-ability to do a modified push-up. I felt so disturbed by the fact that I was incapable of physically lifting my body off of the ground, that I needed to make a change. I filled all of my free time with a gym membership at a 24 hour gym. Anytime that I could go, I would. My hard work and dedication paid off on the scale and monetarily, as I was offered a job at the gym in membership. Who better to sell memberships than someone who was in total love with the gym?
I loved it for the first few months. While I worked there, I kept working with my part-time jobs as a marketing consultant. I wrote blog posts, created collateral, helped with photography and website development. I even helped out when needed and picked up extra hours here and there. Later I found myself at my first agency, handling multiple accounts. Not only at the agency, but also as a freelance digital consultant.
After my first lay-off, I took on a wild adventure.
I baked my heart out, creating, devastating and creating some more. People were happy. While I baked, I also freelanced, more clients let to more clients and more opportunities. Life was fun, busy and full of love. I always felt an empty gap because although I was a part of a lot of things, I was never a part of one thing. I could never land that dreamy full-time gig.
And just to clarify, in the agency world, a full-time job really doesn’t mean job security. That wasn’t the search. The search was for a sense of team, not being different, but a part. Just like everyone else.
Through all of this, West was strong at his job. People love him you know? He’s charismatic. He’s kind. He gets shit done. And not only does he get it done, but it gets done well. It gets done right. He was always the anchor. Me, the wild sea. Sometimes calm and even, but mostly wild, loud, not stable, but still fun and adventurous.
More and more freelance and more and more agency work led us to a lot of places in the city. So many that we both grew restless. It was time for change. My change was an exciting job offer with a beverage company in central valley California and his in the windy city. We decided on the windy city.
And to be honest. I always told people that the opportunity for me in Chicago was better than the opportunity for him in middle of no where California. But the honest truth is… I was scared. I was scared to get out there and fail. And not do well. To have made us leave our family and friends and security and just flat out fail. I would have let so many people down.
A large part of me pinches myself. This would have been so great. But another part of me strongly believes that our paths are laid out and we make decisions accordingly. Coming to Chicago was great.
I still managed to maintain about 7 freelance clients, find a job here and also start teaching classes as an indoor cycling instructor.
Once again, I was busy. Thriving, making money, being needed. It was great.
Later, the excitement and hustle of planning our wedding was on the horizon and was so, so much fun. But I was wiped, exhausted. Emotionally strained. A few good things held me together. My West. I believe in him so much. He can do anything he wants and be good. I believed in my students. I love teaching. They bring me great joy. I loved my freelance clients. Body Cycle Studio was my joy. And finally my job. Although a forever contractor, with a nearing end, I love my job. The people, the work, the space. It just feels good.
Recently, after such a high ( wedding + honeymoon ) a lot of things in my life have changed. Less classes, no freelance and a job with a foggy future in a city that once again has the markings of another cold and brutal winter…
When I was younger, in a sadder time, I used to read horoscopes. Something about them, so superficial and fake, brought me comfort. They would tell me the moon will soon be perfect and I’ll be happy and ready for love. Or another would remind me that a specific month would bring me great fortune and friendship. All these tiny words combined, would make me feel hopeful.
Today, for the 1st time in a long time, I read my horoscope. It told me that I should go shopping because the alignment of the planets saw it to be fit. Ok planets. If you think that will make me feel better, shopping it is.